by Dr Shari Read
As mothers we tend to focus on what we need to provide for others, our children, partners, other family members and friends. We offer nourishment, protection, a safe and loving environment, support and many other forms of nurturing to those we love. We are constantly giving.
Part of my own journey into motherhood was learning to accept these offerings from others; accepting that other people wanted to provide me with support. I think part of me believed it was weak of me to ask for or accept help but I’ve since learnt that everyone needs people around them. We also need to be kind to ourselves and nurture ourselves as we do others.
It might be useful for you to think about how you nurture your children and how you might be able to apply some of this to yourself:
1. Bonding. We naturally form a close relationship with our children. The natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviours of our children as babies and the intuitive, biological, care giving qualities of the mother come together to form this attachment. Can we honestly say that we know ourselves as well as we know our children? Do we intuitively tap into our own emotions to try and figure out where our mood states are coming from? People who meditate regularly might be able to answer ‘yes’ to these questions, however, most of us just don’t spend the time to get to know ourselves, be at peace with who we are and bond with our own inner child. Nurture yourself by getting to know your true inner self (the real you behind that brave public face).
2. Feeding. Beginning with breast or bottle feeding, offering our children nourishment is one of the primary forms of nurturing. We agonise over the best form of feeding for our babies, when to start solids, whether shop-bought food is okay, how much junk food we allow our toddlers, and so on. Do you spend the same amount of time thinking about your own nourishment? Do you make sure that your diet includes nutrients and minerals that enhance or stabilize your mood (e.g. omega 3 and folate). Do you make sure you eat at the right times for your body, providing a balance of protein, carbohydrates and other essential dietary elements? Nurture yourself by eating well.
3. Cuddles. A baby learns a lot in the arms of their caregiver. Babies who are cuddled regularly cry less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behaviour state in which babies learn most about their environment. Regular cuddles also improve the sensitivity of the parents to the baby’s needs. Do you allow your partner to cuddle you regularly or make the time to just be near each other? As well as hugs from your children, you need hugs from people who are there to support and nurture you. As humans we need to be touched and caressed by other adults (or at least, one other!). This form of touch is different to sexual intimacy and should be part of your everyday interactions with your partner, a close friend or close family member. Nurture yourself by asking for a hug from someone close everyday.
4. Sleeping. Again, something we spend a lot of time on as mothers, thinking about how to get our children to have the best night’s sleep. How much attention do you pay to the quality of your own sleep? Do you get enough? Do you get to have a sleep-in occasionally? Is your mood state being affected by sleep deprivation? There are many incidents of women being told they have PND when in actual fact they just need a week or two of good sleep. There is always some sort of arrangement that can be made with a partner, close friend or family member to ensure you get the sleep you need. Nurture yourself by forming strategies to ensure you are getting enough sleep on a regular basis.
5. Listening in to your children’s needs. A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Young babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. From the very early days we try to listen to our baby’s cries to determine what each type of cry means – e.g. tired, hungry, dirty nappy/uncomfortable, want Mum or Dad. Do you listen to your own cries? When you are flat, down, sad or irritable do you stop to listen to your inner voice? Do you try to understand where your mood is really coming from? More often than not, it really has nothing to do with the vacuuming not being done when promised, but more about trust or responsibilities in a relationship; issues that may stem back as far as childhood. This is tough one, but try to nurture yourself by listening to what your true needs are and learn how best to express them.
6. Beware of routine and structure. Rigid and extreme styles of parenting advice that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby or children are something to be wary of. These more structured styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert on your child – and most of us quickly learn to use our intuition. However, do we use that same intuition to help us get the most out of our own daily routines? Do you allow yourself a break from things when you need it. For example, if you are physically drained or recovering from a cold or flu, do you allow yourself the luxury of using a home-shopping or internet ordering service to get your groceries delivered? Do you offer yourself an alternate form of exercise if you are feeling a bit rundown or bored with your routine? Do you let the kids stay home occasionally if you just can’t face the day alone? Nurture yourself by being flexible in your routines.
7. Balance. In your zeal to give so much to your children, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your relationship with your partner. As you probably already know, the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your children – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help. Nurture yourself by ensuring that you have a moment or two to yourself everyday. This might be just a matter of taking a few relaxing breaths in the shower (with the door locked!), or finding the opportunity to go for a short walk by yourself. Even those moments when the kids are off running around the park can be used to sit quietly and ‘be in the moment’. Nurture yourself by being balanced in the respect you have for others and the respect you have for yourself and your own needs.
Shari is a psychotherapist who specializes in pregnancy and parenting and is contactable via email on shari@birthskills.com.au or phone 0407 775 783